Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
