Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
