I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
