You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
