Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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