Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
