it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
