He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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