I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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