It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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