if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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