I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
