Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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