I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
