I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
