his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
