Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
