I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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