I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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