I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
