my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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