Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
