I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
