you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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