Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
