I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
