i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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