I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love having hate sex.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
