thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
