I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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