True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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