i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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