It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
