you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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