smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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