she woke up with a sticky ear
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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