I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
