Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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