i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
