shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
How's work?
Spinning.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
