I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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