She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
