So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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