Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
