Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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