You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
