i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
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using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha