I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning