The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower