The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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