my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
