I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
