I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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