You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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