the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
