It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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