At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
